A Piece of My Heart

I am so inspired by everyone in Circles. Every single one of you. Everyone is different, has been through different things, and has given me insight into different parts of my life. I feel so extremely blessed to be friends with you guys, and I truly have experienced some major growth in my life because of this culmination of people and ideas.

Tonight I decided to wait until all my family went to bed to sit down at my computer and journal. I came to a realization last night, as I was speaking with my mentor about myself. How do I put this into words. I figure I will just walk you through a small part of my life and explain who I am and what I have been.

Ever since my parents got divorced when I was eight, I have been sent down what feels like a whirlpool going down a drain (like you see on those TV shows when someone pulls out the plug). I have moved between houses about seven times in the last eleven years. This is a small number compared to a lot of people, but I know the effect that the circumstances surrounding these moves had on me. As I went from house to house, school to school, I slowly started to internalize myself and become a bit of a shut-out. Seeing my father scream at my mother in the parking lot of the Carl's Jr. we would meet up at to go to his house for the weekend, hearing the lies he put in my ear about my mother, listening to him cry at night when he thought I was asleep, watching my mother cry as she hung up the phone because my father was yelling at her. These incidents were more than one-time occurrences  and they shaped who I was at the time. I had been shoved into the place as the man of the house living with my mom at the age of ten. I felt that I was in charge of my mother, my younger brother, and my sister seeing as I was the only one yet to cry and breakdown.

Due to these circumstances I somehow felt forced to internalize these problems, this anger and sorrow and I became (I thought) a bit of a rock. When I was really just a statue of crumpled paper. From that age of ten and on I looked to different things to fill this incredible void inside of my heart. Girlfriends, pornography, alcohol, marijuana, ecstacy, and many other things. I found myself at the age of seventeen smuggling drugs into my bag for a high school church winter retreat. When I was there I was changed. God touched my life in a way that I had never felt. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. The last night of the retreat my best friend and I gave out lives to God and decided to walk with Christ. Since that day I have been digging myself out of a hole (weird saying). God gave me the shovel, but he decided that I was the one that needed to climb out.

I have struggled with depression, I feel, since some time after my parents divorced (maybe about nine or ten years now). I have taken medication for it, and am still on medication for it. I have seen many counselors, and am still seeing one now. And I have struggling to get myself out of the position I put myself in as a self-conscious, underachieving loner.

Why am I telling you all this? I didn't expect to write all this. But you all should know this. I feel that being with you guys: talking things through, laughing, reading, praying and experiencing God together has been the boost I needed to get myself back on my feet. I want you all to know that God put me in this group for a reason, I have significantly felt it. And you should all know that you are here for a reason too. Again, I feel so blessed by you people. You have all touched my heart in a way that you will never know.

I think the close of this should be marked by a verse that touches my heart as well. From 1 John 1:7

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin"

Thirst for Reasoning

As you may know, I am currently studying the Jehovah's Witnesses religion right now for the purpose of apologetics to these lost people. As I am reading up on certain subjects I am taking notes in my notebook which I call my "Book of Fire", which I will explain someday. I decided to stop and take a break from my studying and write a post about something I realized.

I realized how much I thirst to understand exactly what I believe. I want to know that from very angle I can defend my position as a follower of Christ. I want to know all about the Word of God, the historical context of the Bible, the Canon of Scripture, how to interpret different meanings of different passages. I feel like I was given this thirst as a gift from God. I am building my arsenal for what may be ahead. I am growing in knowledge, and as I grow in knowledge, I am steadily growing in wisdom as God is revealing things to me.

Really what I am asking for is prayer. Pray that I will continue to let this fire inside of me guide me in my studies. However, also pray that I do not get so caught up in outside teachings and theology that I lose sight of the Bible (this has happened before). I have been given a thirst, a fire inside of me, and I pray that the fire will never extinguish, and never get out of control.