I am so inspired by everyone in Circles. Every single one of you. Everyone is different, has been through different things, and has given me insight into different parts of my life. I feel so extremely blessed to be friends with you guys, and I truly have experienced some major growth in my life because of this culmination of people and ideas.
Tonight I decided to wait until all my family went to bed to sit down at my computer and journal. I came to a realization last night, as I was speaking with my mentor about myself. How do I put this into words. I figure I will just walk you through a small part of my life and explain who I am and what I have been.
Ever since my parents got divorced when I was eight, I have been sent down what feels like a whirlpool going down a drain (like you see on those TV shows when someone pulls out the plug). I have moved between houses about seven times in the last eleven years. This is a small number compared to a lot of people, but I know the effect that the circumstances surrounding these moves had on me. As I went from house to house, school to school, I slowly started to internalize myself and become a bit of a shut-out. Seeing my father scream at my mother in the parking lot of the Carl's Jr. we would meet up at to go to his house for the weekend, hearing the lies he put in my ear about my mother, listening to him cry at night when he thought I was asleep, watching my mother cry as she hung up the phone because my father was yelling at her. These incidents were more than one-time occurrences and they shaped who I was at the time. I had been shoved into the place as the man of the house living with my mom at the age of ten. I felt that I was in charge of my mother, my younger brother, and my sister seeing as I was the only one yet to cry and breakdown.
Due to these circumstances I somehow felt forced to internalize these problems, this anger and sorrow and I became (I thought) a bit of a rock. When I was really just a statue of crumpled paper. From that age of ten and on I looked to different things to fill this incredible void inside of my heart. Girlfriends, pornography, alcohol, marijuana, ecstacy, and many other things. I found myself at the age of seventeen smuggling drugs into my bag for a high school church winter retreat. When I was there I was changed. God touched my life in a way that I had never felt. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. The last night of the retreat my best friend and I gave out lives to God and decided to walk with Christ. Since that day I have been digging myself out of a hole (weird saying). God gave me the shovel, but he decided that I was the one that needed to climb out.
I have struggled with depression, I feel, since some time after my parents divorced (maybe about nine or ten years now). I have taken medication for it, and am still on medication for it. I have seen many counselors, and am still seeing one now. And I have struggling to get myself out of the position I put myself in as a self-conscious, underachieving loner.
Why am I telling you all this? I didn't expect to write all this. But you all should know this. I feel that being with you guys: talking things through, laughing, reading, praying and experiencing God together has been the boost I needed to get myself back on my feet. I want you all to know that God put me in this group for a reason, I have significantly felt it. And you should all know that you are here for a reason too. Again, I feel so blessed by you people. You have all touched my heart in a way that you will never know.
I think the close of this should be marked by a verse that touches my heart as well. From 1 John 1:7
"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin"
Scot-- thank you SO much for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI'm honored to get to hear a little more of your story, and to know where you are coming from. You are already a blessing to me and to so many in this group, and being trusted and getting to see a little fuller picture of what's brought you to where you are today blesses me even more and deepens the love I feel for you.
"Due to these circumstances I somehow felt forced to internalize these problems, this anger and sorrow and I became (I thought) a bit of a rock. When I was really just a statue of crumpled paper..." Wow. How beautifully written.
While our circumstances aren't exactly the same, I want you to know that I can relate to much of what you wrote. Some are surprised to learn that pretty major depression and suicidal thoughts were a big part of my reality for many years. I feel that God's finally lifted a huge part of that burden off of my shoulders (at least at this point, so we'll see), but the reality is that it's nothing to be ashamed of, it doesn't make you weak, and being open and honest is one of the most freeing things you can do. Especially in a setting like this where we will just say WE LOVE YOU! all the louder, to help drown out Satan's lies!
I absolutely love the verse that you shared at the end, too...
Thank you for for being a part of this journey and walking with me, thank you for fellowshipping, and I'm excited to keep walking, going deeper, and being purified from glory to glory as we walk in light together : )
scot. youre such a great brother to have. from the minute we both lit up when seeing each other at vons, i knew i was apart of an awesome family created by jesus. its so rad to know more of who you are and all the crazy stuff he has done in you. youre such a bright light in our group. its awesome to be around you.
ReplyDeleteScot, you are awesome.
ReplyDeleteI can't think of a better way to sum up how I feel after reading this, haha. Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I definitely feel a lot closer to you from having the privilege to learn a bit more about your life. It's truly amazing how each one of us in circles can relate to different parts of eachother... God seriously had his hand in forming this group! I agree with the other girls, you are such a bright light in circles Scot! Your comments have always made me feel loved and wanted. Even if your school situation has you down here for another year, I'll be (somewhat selfishly) glad for it, haha. I'm so happy to grow in this walk with you! (=
Scot- I'm sitting here babysitting while a 6 yr old is placing fake cobras all over the house singing "O Come all Ye Faithful." (random side note)
ReplyDeleteAnd while sitting at the kitchen table, reading your blog, I honestly am blown away by God's goodness.
I started reading your blog, and stopped for a bit because I am working and I was thinking I really want to dedicate concentrated time for reading Scot's blog, but then I just went ahead and did it and am so glad I did. I feel like I didn't want to wait to read that, you know what I mean? I am SO glad that you chose to share some of your story with us. I'm so thankful for your heart and your unique story in all His glory!
The way that God worked and moved in your life before you knew Christ and after, all of the hard times and difficult experiences, will not be wasted. God will use every single bit of you for His glory.
Thanks again :)
scot, thank you so much for sharing your heart. you are such an amazing man of God and brother and it's so sick to hear how God's moving in your life. even in this post, you can just see the healing and the softening that he's bringing about in your heart. so gentley and beautifully. and it's sick that we get to do this journey with you. thank you for you honesty, it's truly refreshing and ecnouraging. i love having you as a friend and brother! you inspire me to love Jesus more each day.
ReplyDeleteThese are such important words, scot. Words you need to say as you process, and words others need to hear...other divorced families, parents thinking about divorce. I have worked with a lot of divorcing parents and no matter the reason for the divorce, the kids often lose the most. Proud of your courage in processing this out loud. "statue of crumpled paper", wow, perfect word picture...
ReplyDeleteScot, I'm so proud to call you brother :) I have already seen why God has brought you into my life and I'm sure I'll be learning so much more from you throughout these next few months.
ReplyDeleteI was already touched the first time you shared your testimony with Jude and I at milk & honey and I remember how you ended by saying wow, testimonies are personal. Although I wasn't entirely sure how comfortable you were about sharing I was seriously so proud of how honest and courageous you were about sharing a part of your life with us. Through your story, God reviled another part of Himself to me. I'm always so humbled to be reminded of how little i really know of Him. It's not enough for me to learn about God through my own life for that's not all there is to Him. Thanks for blessing me tonight Scot!